Hello my friends.
Welcome to this week's post where you will meet Miranda Oh. She is sharing the good news of the third installment in her current Chin Up Tits Out series. Some words about herself. Plus, the synopsis and Prologue of Just Breathe.
The third installment of the Chin Up Tits Out series reconnects you with Hadley after the devastating disappearance of her husband. Hadley takes you on a wild ride of hitting rock bottom when life throws her a few too many punches in the face, yet she somehow encourages herself to keep pushing forward, even though the next move seems impossible. This twistedly real journey embarks on how to heal and find balance when life is seemingly unfair. Hadley reels you in with humor in her darkest thoughts. It is the end of the fairy tale from a completely different perspective. Hadley embraces her tribe of loved ones, battles with her devious inner voice, drips with sarcasm, but still manages to find hope and exude love.
|Book Two in the series.|
A WEE BIT OF TELLING ON MYSELF
You know those moments when you tell yourself that you are totally right in your thinking, and you attempt to convince yourself, but really, truly, you know you’re wrong? The first week after Riaan left, no one could convince me that he wasn’t coming back. No one even dared.
Honestly, after he left, no one around me could handle it either, or at least that was the way I perceived it. They took one look at me and started to cry, not believing the fact that Riaan literally walked out after everything that transpired over the last five years. I didn’t believe that he was gone, I didn’t want to. Therefore, in my mind, I was convinced our love would prevail and he would come back somehow, some way.
I knew that I was wrong in believing that, but I couldn’t accept it, otherwise that meant I failed. How do you take marriage vows, until death do you part, fight so hard to be together, and then watch that person walk out willingly? He was still alive—we kept him alive—and I was just supposed to accept these circumstances and stop loving him? I was supposed to stop believing in a future with him? I was just supposed to give up?
My family remained silently supportive, but despite how mad and hurt I knew everyone else was, no one could understand the inner battle of love and hate in that moment more than I did. It was like a kick to the teeth, realizing that love isn’t easy and that you can’t love someone enough to make them happy. Obviously love isn’t enough!
Stupid Disney…I used to believe in fairy tales.
Let me tell you, realizing all this sucked big hairy sweaty balls; at any cost, avoid those.
I awoke slowly, struggling to become aware of my surroundings. I forced my eyes open and tried focusing on a small blurry square-shaped hole in the wall as I lay in bed. I blinked a couple more times trying to get my eyes cleared of the haze and blurriness that refused to subside. As I worked to gain visual focus, a sharp pain stabbed at my right temple, causing me to squeeze my eyes shut again.
Take a deep breath, Hadley.
I inhaled deeply until my lungs were filled to capacity, the way they teach in yoga class. On my exhale I opened my eyes once again to the hole, the pain in my right temple refusing to subside. This time, the pain made my stomach spiral as bile crawled up my throat. Afraid of throwing up in bed, I shot up into a sitting position.
Holy crap, Hadley…what have you done?
My head felt like someone had a jackhammer on my temple, my stomach was turning, and I once again tried to lock my gaze on that hole in the wall. I tried to focus, but a migraine had taken away my clear vision again. I reached for the wall to make sure it was real; feeling the hole with the tips of my fingers, I forced myself to focus. It was square(ish) in shape…OMG, it was a hole from a stiletto heel, but not mine. I looked down to my left and saw a sleek, muscled naked body passed out next to me. The stark contrast of my pasty white skin next to all this black muscle jolted me back to my reality.
Well, I guess I could cross that off my to-do list. My therapist kept telling me that at some point, I would be intimate with another man. I didn’t think it would ever happen, at least not like this, as the thought of being intimate with someone other than my husband was still raw and hurt to think about. Actually, come to think of it, what did I expect? Prince Charming on a strapping stallion carrying me off to a bed full of rose petals, romance, and chocolate-covered strawberries with champagne? I used to believe in fairy tales… WTF, guess I’m going to have to look to Disney for other wisdom. How on earth did I ever get to such a horrible place in life?
The pain in my head was agonizing—imagine an ice pick slowly slicing deep into your temple, and then as a sick joke, being pulled back out and then pushed back in over and over again. The pain was stifling and made it hard to breathe. All I wanted to do was climb over this unconscious body, find a bathroom, and vomit without humiliating myself any further.
I struggled to maneuver and find a way to get up, attempting to very gently step over all the sleek muscle of my date from the night before. He slid his leg out to the side just as I made my tentative step over him, and I successfully planted my foot on his junk.
Yup, his junk. As if this couldn’t get any more awkward… Seriously, you just had to move. I land right on it, the ONE place I shouldn’t step. Honestly, I think this is the cosmic universe’s way of punishing me. Hadley, get yo’ act together!
My date jumped up howling in pain—all that muscle and he screamed like a girl, go figure. It was high-pitched and painful to my ears, and especially to my poor sensitive head. I really couldn’t do much but hop down, gag once or twice, then full-on dry heave, as I ran out of the room hoping to find a bathroom nearby.
Seriously, they never talk about this stuff in fairy tales. Well that wasn’t remotely graceful… I’m sure I will think this is hilarious at some point in my life…just not now.
Once I finished hurling my guts out, I rinsed my mouth and ran my fingers through last night’s hairstyle in an attempt to make myself look less psychotic. As if that was even possible.
With my head still aching, I look up at myself in the mirror…CUTO (chin up, tits out), Hadley, just go in, collect your shit, and find a way out of here. ASAP! Be kind, smile, and find an excuse to GTFO (get the fuck out).
I cleaned up the bathroom a bit, took a deep breath to help compose myself, and walked back to the room with a new-found grace that sure as hell wasn’t there a couple minutes ago. There he was with all his muscles, bright-eyed, big smile, a genuinely kind human. He looked completely oblivious to my inner struggle.
Which I managed to keep on the DL the entire time. Self-high-five moment!
This was a bittersweet moment. It was an amazing feeling to see him look at me like he truly cared and was happy to see me, despite the “junk” incident five minutes prior. Unfortunately, the moment was fleeting; all of a sudden I felt like my mind was hovering above my body and staring down. It was like being in a bad sci-fi movie, except it had become my reality. I felt completely disconnected from him, from my body, and from my mind. Try as I may, I could no longer bring the two separate entities that I had become together. If I couldn’t connect myself and feel whole, how the hell could I connect with someone who was kind and gentle but had instantly become a complete stranger?
Imagine a big hole inside your chest. No feelings, just a vast empty hole devoid of emotion. Like seeing the world with no color, taste, or smell. Everything you thought you knew ceases to exist the way you remember it. You don’t know why, but somehow you no longer belong anywhere.
“Hey! Sorry about earlier, you know those morning pees. Sometimes you wake up and just need to go!” I giggled shamelessly, trying not to blush too much, praying to all the higher powers that he didn’t hear my retching and mini meltdown in the bathroom.
“No biggie, it happens, we just moved at the wrong time. I do know how you can make it up to me though,” he said, biting his bottom lip and reaching for my hips while still in bed.
Instantaneously fear gripped me and I pulled back and met his grabby hands with mine, squeezing them tight. “Sorry, I have to get going. I promised my cousin I would go to yoga with her this morning, and I completely forgot until I woke up. I mean, I didn’t expect to end up here last night.” At this point I was blushing, which I’m sure he found flattering. I had for sure turned redder than the life-size Manchester United flag pinned up to the wall behind me.
He politely smiled, pulled himself up, leaned in for a kiss, and nodded in agreement. “Did you need a ride somewhere?”
I smiled and nodded, finally feeling a bit of relief at the thought of escaping, the most relief I felt since I opened my eyes that morning.
“Alright, I’ll let you make it up to me another day then.” He rolled out of bed, squeezed my bum cheek, bit his lip, shook his head, then walked off to get his things.
I remember when Riaan was like that with me. He would look at me with so much love that I could not help feeling adored. Having Riaan by my side gave me fearless confidence. It was a strange feeling to have another man appreciate the naturalness of my body. It was also weird as shit to have a man I didn’t really know look at my body like that in general. Goddamn, so conflicting!
We gathered our things, and I texted my cousin Amanda to explain the situation and tell her I was getting dropped off at her house and we could still go to yoga. I also told her I needed a water bottle, yoga clothing, and the strongest pain meds she had in her cupboard. I hadn’t brought my migraine medication and was desperate for anything to help subside this throbbing pain in my head. Migraines have plagued my life lately, but as bat-shit crazyas this sounds, I couldn’t help feeling like it was some form of punishment.
Amanda, being the amazing woman she is, met us at the door of her condo with all the yoga stuff requested in tow. God, I love this woman.
My date winked at me, leaned in, and kissed me goodbye.
“Goodbye, Hadley, I had a really amazing night. Let me know when I can see you again, okay?” He smiled big with his eyes while smirking slightly.
As kind, gentle, and amazingly sexy as you are…hell no, this ain’t happening again! Hadley, you are not a masochist! Ha, um, nope. But thanks!
I smiled wide, closed my eyes, and nodded extensively, until he pulled my face in again for one last kiss. What. The. Hell.
His sweet sincerity was like a double-edged sword. I should have been flattered, yet this only caused me physical pain and anxiety, as I truly could not understand how someone could want to be with me. So I again closed off my heart to prevent any more pain.
Yes, pain is what happens when you love...