Ho Ho Ho!
The Scribbler is honored to have Santa Clause back for our third 4Q interview. Because December is such a busy time for St. Nick, the interview actually took place in October. We discovered many new things about Santa on his last visit to the Scribbler when we talked about the unionization and retirement of the elves, the magic of reindeer, the things Santa likes and houses with no chimneys. If you missed the informative session we had, please go HERE!
4Q: We touched briefly on this before but please tell us Santa, how you gauge whether a child has been good enough throughout the year to get gifts?
SC. Ho Ho Ho. Now that’s a good one Allan. Interesting enough, the Mrs. and I were talking about that last week. Things have changed with the growth of gaming and that seems to be all children ask for these days, computers, Ipods, gaming accessories and such. Most of them are merely vegetables these days with big thumbs that spend an inordinate amount of time staring at those little screens with fancy colors, sound effects and challenges, so most kids don’t have time to be bad. Things have certainly changed. No one asks for skates or sleds or dolls or board games anymore. I’m not saying that’s wrong but we always have to make these supply and demand changes at our massive warehouses at the “pole”.
Now, about good and bad. All children are born with a good heart but they learn to be bad on their own. Take yourself for example. If you remember the BB gun I left you one Christmas, well you had been a good little boy most of the year so I left it all wrapped up under the tree that Bea and Willie had put up. You were always a bit mischievous, however, you were a bad little bugger with that gun and I should’ve never left it there. Shooting out windows in abandoned buildings, light fixtures, little birds and the worst was when you shot your neighbor in the buttocks. You tipped the good/bad scales way over to the dark side. Now had it been up to me, you wouldn’t have gotten anything the next year. It’s only the fact that you got caught and your mother punished you sufficiently by taking the gun away that you had time to be good for the rest of the year so you see, the gauge tips back and forth. Had you done any more damage, I would’ve taken you completely of the list. I’m glad I didn’t, because you turned out okay. Ho Ho Ho!
4Q: Yes well, that’s an incident I’d forgotten about. I guess I was a little over zealous with that gun. Anyway, moving along here, now that marijuana is legal in Canada, is anyone asking for pot related gifts?
SC: Good question Allan. Not the little ones of course but the adults and teenagers do of course and we have to be diligent in accessing birth records to know if they are of legal age. We get requests for baggies of dope, bongs, rolling papers, pipes and other paraphernalia and we do what we can to accommodate those wishes and of course like those old ads for Red Rose tea, “Only in Canada, eh?”
We linked up with suppliers in Ontario because the elves will never part with any of their weed, say it’s much too powerful for the average human. I would agree. Which reminds me, where did that bag of Cheezies go?
4Q: All the pictures we see of you depict a white bearded man that is quite plump. Are you overweight?
SC: Well you should know the answer from the last question Allan. Of course I’m fat. Do you think for one minute that eating over 1400 cookies, 800 donuts, 1100 sandwiches, 4300 glasses of milk, (the odd glass of beer), and 33 bags of mixed candies in one night won’t have an effect on me? Gracious, I have to diet for six months to get back to my normal weight of 300 pounds. Because you’re from Canada, I can admit that if it wasn’t for the marijuana I wouldn’t be tempted but the concoction the elves roll for me has a vicious munchies effect. I get pimples from all that sugar as well, it’s a terrible thing. But I do it for the kiddies. Can’t let them down now can I? Ho Ho Ho.
4Q: Your image is very popular and all over the place this time of the year. Do people or companies have to pay you royalties for that?
SC: The Public Relations department usually handles the requests for my image and at one time we could control the use of my photo, or the reindeers or the elves but now with the internet and so many scammers, it’s almost impossible. There are good people that pay (those were the kids that were especially good when they were children and mostly little girls) for the rights of my image. Otherwise it’s a free-for-all out there. I don’t care for those images that make fun of me or put me in questionable situations such as flirting with other woman. The Mrs. doesn’t like those either.
I like most of them and its okay.